They say a person blogs, to get things off their chest and mind. I have a lot to clear the air with, and hoping this helps me right now.
Over the last six months, I have been dealing with PPD and Panic attacks. This subject is very hard for me to talk about, because I dont really want people to know, I am dealing with this. Look at me any different, or make judgements about me or my family. PPD started when the twins were around 5 months, and I thought, I could control it myself. That was not the case, and lead me to panic attacks. Panic attacks have truly taken over my life sometimes, but now that I am on meds, seem to be helping me a lot. I still cry a lot, and have no reason for it. Working through it day by day, and I decided if I " talked" about it, would help me a bit more. Instead of keeping everything inside, and only talking to my husband and OB about it. PPD is more on the lines, of feeling empty inside.. Not feeling my normal self, and lonely. I have no clue, why I could ever feel this way, when I have two healthily babies and loving husband. Before I had the twins, I was happy go lucky, and easy going. Now, I worry about the smallest things, I cry over the littlest thing. I am always wondering " what if", and those have lead me to the panic attacks. I worry, if something happens to me - Who will take care of my kids, will they know who I was, will they ever know, how much I love them.. Its sad, because as I type this.. I am just crying because, I want to be there for my kids in every way. I am always worrying.. My primary care finally found the right meds for me, and seems to be working. Panic attacks have gone a lot, but in the meantime of everything, I have vertigo!
I have positional vertigo, and it's very scary to have. They say it's crystals that build in the back of your ears, that will cause someone to be " off balance". One morning, I woke up and I could not even WALK! I was bouncing off the walls, and could not even get to my kids in their cribs. Thank goodness, that day I was supposed to be going out with MIL, and she came right over. When this happen, it set me in the worse panic attack, they I could ever deal with.
Over the course of the days, my balance was starting to come back normal. I decided that Tuesday, I would go in and see my primary care - just to understand " why". She noticed, I had a large amount of fluid behind my ears, and caused me to lose my balance. She gave me a script and off I went. Over the course of the month, I notice certain positions, I would put myself into, would cause my to feel like I was dizzy and going to pass out. When this was happening the panic attacks were getting stronger, because I did not know what was going on. This past Monday, I made appointment and I wanted Jason to go with me. She did couple of test on me, and said " you have vertigo" Now, I have to go to therapy 2x a week for 2 weeks to try and correct it, and if that does not work. I have to go and see ENT doctor, which takes forever to get into. I went ahead and made an appointment with ENT doctor, because they are hard to get into - my appointment is Nov 24th. Friday, I will be going to my 1st appointment for therapy - JOY!
All these events have been taking place, and I have been keeping them inside. I am now to the point, where I feel like I could lose my mind. I cry more then I ever have, because I want to "normal" again, and be the best mom and wife, that I can be. With all these problems, just feel like the world is against me right now. I really dont have "friends" anymore, because I had kids. A lot of my friends, dont have children and went their own way. Which is fine, and I knew it would happen. I feel like, I am trapped in this bubble and trying to figure everything out.
Did not want to share with my family, because I dont want them to worry. I dont want them to look at me say " Are you Okay", or think I cant take care of my own kids. I want to be strong and get pass this and live life to the fullest. Right now, I dont feel like I am, because I am scared of myself. I dont know, if that make any sense, but to me it does.
Today at the park with two moms, I finally opened up. They notice I was not myself anymore, and finally just broke down. It easy for someone to say " its going to be okay", I keep telling myself that. Just dont think they understand, what fears I have. Am I going to wake up tomorrow with no balance and not be able to walk?" Am I going to have a panic attack?
Not sure if anyone truly understands, what I am going through.. I dont want anyone to understand, I want myself to understand more then anything. Right now, they only thing I understand is - I love my kids more then life, and my husband. Everything else, I dont understand and trying to find my way.
Just pray that this will pass, and I lead a normal life and be happy again. Right now, I am breaking down inside. I am putting my faith into God, to get my through this. They also say " This To Shall Pass" Right now, I dont feel like this is going to pass....
This is the short and skinny of everything. I did not go back and read this, because it just makes me cry. Sorry for the typos, ect - Just wanted to get it off my chest.
XOXO
Tasha - I am just getting to catch up on my blog reading and saw your post. I had the same problem when the boys were about 4 months old with vertigo. They sent me to a cardiologist because my heartbeat was all over the place when they did an EKG. The dr.'s said just stress, newborn twins, etc. Well, low and behold a year later I ended up with serious anxiety and depression. Now I too am on meds. You are not alone!!!!! Talk to you soon.
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